Thursday, June 10, 2010

At the Stroke of 12 I Wept

What do you do when someone you deeply care about is killing themselves slowly? They make mistake after mistake, but you can't do a thing. You can't say anything either. Day by day you see them literally waste away.

It's so hard... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I can't be there for you, at least not in the way you want me to. I feel like you're doing a lot for attention. It's like you NEED the disorder because you know that people will constantly be telling you that they love you, that they think you're gorgeous, blah, blah, blah - all in attempt to boost your non-existant self esteem. Everything revolves around you. I was astonished when you asked your parents to send you to the states. That's so selfish. You're taking away from their retirement, you're taking away from your sister's schooling, take, take, take. And then you lay the ol' "fine, you must not care about me that much and if I'm really ruining everyone's life then I might as well give up!" really? like, really? is it necessary to be so god damn dramatic? You always have liked to live the glamorous life. I can't deal with that most days. I'm the total opposite in a lot of ways. I don't let comments get to me. If someone tells me they think I should lose some weight, I tell them to fuck themselves. Why would I ever care about what they think of me?

But, it's not entirely you. There's the chemical imbalance and the genetics. You're very strange - obsessive compulsive about everything, anxious all the time, measuring/counting, paranoid of nothing, very self absorbed (you don't talk or interact), and most of the time you don't seem to know exactly what's going on with your life or the world in general. I don't mean this in a malign way - that's just the way you're acting. And, I know it's not the real you.

I'm sad for you. You're going to die - and it's looking sooner rather than later.

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