Sunday, May 30, 2010


Someone Greater

Feel the dirt between your toes
Smell the salty sea air
Breathe in the morning light
Hear the echo of silence

Laugh and watch how it grows
Dance naked without a care
Watch your dreams take flight
See how far they take you

You are greater than anyone knows
You are something quite rare
Continue on this path and you just might
End up becoming someone better
Than even you could have imagined

Betrayed Lover

I'll give you my heart
If you might try to love me
You threw it away
I wish you could take back those things you've done
Don't leave me standing here once again
You know I love you
How many chances can I give?

Without You

I get along without you
Except when warm winds blow on a summers day
The playful air wraps us together
And lights up our smiles
But, I get along without you very well

I've forgotten you
Except to hear your name
Or see a face that is the same
But, I've forgotten you just like I should

I look to the future and it suits me well
I shove the past aside to the back of my mind
For if I remember you
My heart will surely break in two

The Road

I don't know what's real any more
Time passes suddenly slow
Where do I go from here?
Trains and planes take us to distant places;
back to what is pure
Running full on only to fall flat on my face
The wind whispers your name sweetly in my ear
The road ahead stretches into infinity
I walk on only to feel alive
Tears you've made me weep have washed away my path
So, I start anew
I can go whichever way I please
Why can't I just let go...

Fly Away

Fly away with me
Come smell the sea
It's been far too long
Since we did each other wrong
Let's put the past behind

Set sail on the winds of love
Gave up at the constellations above
Drive around in your beat-up car
We don't even know how lucky we are
I can't pretend you haven't been on my mind

Dreaming of the Osaka Sun

Tonight I'm gonna run
Don't hold me back
Because I"ve made up my mind
The road is all shadows and pitch
And, I've no candle to guide me
With hope alone I'll trudge along
One day the light will come out
I'm dreaming of the Osaka sun

Dear John

If I could only reach out to you and tell you everything. I would write you a thousand letters. I would send you a hundred messages. I would give you a million reasons. I would say everything by saying nothing.

And, why am I doing all of this? I don't really know the answer. I will write all the time. Don't you realize this is all for you? But really, mostly it's for me. I can't give up just yet.

I know I'm a silly girl with a head full of emotion, but who cares! I can't go through life unless I know I tried. I don't want to be left wondering. Why did you have to leave like that?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

An Angry Day

Fuck! Fucking-bloodly-shitty-motherfucking-fuck-fuck!!

Honestly, can I please go a day without you sticking your nose in? How the hell am I supposed to move on with my life when you're still in my head? It's nauseating. I would bang my head against the wall if it meant that thoughts of you might fall out. Good lord, can I just get a grip on myself! Every, single, bloody day is a battle. And why is it that you always seem to win? This is stupid. Do I have to scream it for you?! Would you hear me if I did? No, you won't. Because you're gone...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Memories of You

Too often I do think of you. Like today, for instance:

I woke this morning and starting sorting through my shit in preparation for moving. I came across the scrapbook I made for you (which you totally didn't deserve) and this time I smiled instead of hurling it across the room or thinking of throwing it off the burrard street bridge. Later, I went for a jog and saw a wood pecker and thought of you laughing at it. Then at work, I was bartending and had to laugh about all the fun times we had there and how much stolen liquor we got away with (it's ridiculous come to think of it). Then, I was walking home and saw the big dipper and knew that you had probably looked up at some point too and thought of me.

Memories of you are comforting. I hope you haven't forgot about me.

Monday, May 24, 2010

A Long Time Coming

I've lied. Most people have, but not everyone can admit it. I've been lying to myself for too long. I think there comes a time in everyone's life when they decide to come clean. Now is my time.

I have a spending problem. I don't budget my money and I'm living pay check to pay check. I know I can't afford things, but I get them anyway. I find excuses: It'll cheer me up; I NEEDED it; I've worked hard and deserve a treat; things will work itself out. The list goes on, but in the end who a I kidding? I can never ask for money from my parents because I'm trying to be independent. I know now that if I want nice things, I have to wait. Right now I'm starting my life. Good things don't just come without hard work and savings. I'm learning, but it's hard.

I'm so arrogant. I've been that way my entire life. I've always been the over achiever: top student in my class, only one to go to UBC on a full scholarship, got into the prestigious science one program. I think I know better than everyone, but I'm actually very naive. There's so much about people and about life that I don't know about. Every day I learn something new.

I saw it coming, and I ignored it. What girl is naive enough to think that a guy living with his "ex"girlfriend is only friends with her and that he just thought it "made more sense" that they don't find another place apart since he's leaving soon anyways? And if they were only friends, why did he never mention her? Why is it that he is always "working" some place else when I ask if he wants to hangout sometimes? Like valentines day. He so conveniently had to work at the hospital all night. And when I try to give him a gift he tells me to keep it at my place. He is all talk and no action. We spoke of doing so many things, but never got around to them. He once told me he bought some flowers, but then came back to find my door locked so he took them home (and probably gave them to her). Why wouldn't you just leave them at the doorstep if you went through so much trouble? I think he tried to tell me once. It was right before he left. He sent me a message saying "what are we doing?" At the time I thought nothing of it, but maybe he was trying to say something and I was too in denial to hear it. Then she sent me that email. It was there , plain as day, that what I feared most was real. She told me they were still together, that he told her he loved her, that he asked her to come away with him, that he asked her to marry him, that I had ruined their relationship. I didn't want to hear it. Then everyone at work started slipping me clues. They knew what was going on and they tried to protect me. I thought they were wrong. My mother and my sister both told me that he was no good. They said that he was only using me and that I would get hurt. I thought they didn't know anything. EVERYTHING was screaming that I was making the wrong choice. That's the most I've ever lied to myself. Because, they were right. I've known it all along.

So, here I am. Me. I'm a girl who's trying to figure out life. I've taken a few wrong turns, but I get back on track with a little humility. I've learned that lying (or denying the truth) is a path to nowhere but sadness and pain. I hope you find your way.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

All Over Again

Everything is changing. Everything is new again. But, I'm left with the familiarity of yesterday. I want to scream! I'm afraid to feel... loneliness, uncertainty, heart break, pain, sadness, anger, and despair. I'm also scared to feel happy and alive again because that means it really is over. It feels like a dream and I'm waiting for something to tell me that it wasn't. Sometimes, I don't know what was real and what wasn't anymore.

All I know is that I want you back in my life. I tried so hard to forget you. I told myself to let go, but I held on. I know deep inside that it's over, and you're really gone. But, I can't stop loving you. The worst part is that I can't tell you.

Everyday we grow further apart. Soon, you'll be nothing but a memory. You didn't write to me... so, I guess you gave up. And, now I'm moving. It hurts, but maybe it's the only way.

Finally, I can say that I only wish you the best. I want you to be happy and if that means being with a certain someone (not to mention any names), then I will support you.

So here I go, trying to live my life - all over again.

Monday, May 17, 2010

So Yesterday

So much to say, but not knowing how. You can't take back the things you did or said. Every day gets easier and harder at the same time. Nothing lasts forever, so let's be honest. No more sweeping secrets beneath the carpet. Could we fix this? You've left me speechless for quite some time. I love you more than words can say, but I'll let you go if you'd rather continue on without me as a friend. After all the times and places - can you really give it up?

I've been a fool in so many ways, and you have too. But, that's the thing about life: you can start all over again if you want to. We used to have something great and I don't want that to be over because of our immaturity. Let's go back. A time when you and I were getting to know each other. Before the drama. Before our lives got complicated. Back to just you and I sitting on a bench in the park drinking a bottle of wine.

So much has changed. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life. I intend to live it to the fullest. And, I've thought long and hard about you. I feel like I've been robbed of something. In my life there's been heart ache and pain. But, I can't stop believing the best of people. I believe in you completely. I always have.

All I want is your friendship. I don't know if you still want mine (and that's ok if you don't). But, if you do - let me know. I miss you.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Such a precious thing. We so often take it for granted too. I can't believe I've gone two full decades already and yet, I haven't the faintest idea of what life really is. I've seen it come and go to both the young and old. I hope that one day they'll be telling stories about me, and reminiscing of good times we shared and what a great, long life I lived. I know I have great things coming for me. I can feel it. At times it's very frightening because what if I don't live up to my potential? What will my life be like then?

I often think of how others' lives will turn out. I see the potential in them and they'll go on to do amazing things. Every once in a while though, that thought is shattered. The death of a friend of mine came as quite a shocker. How can someone end their life like that? Everyone goes through a shitty stage in their life, but to the point of giving up completely... it's a scary thought.

I want to reach out to those I've neglected. I want to shout I LOVE YOU to those I care about. Life is too short, it really is, to hold back such strong emotion. At the same time, it's hard. Where to start? I wish it were as simple as starting all over again. But, it's not. Life is tough. Life is also forgiving. I will never give up the fight.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Losing, but not Lost

Is this your idea of beauty?
Anorexia. It's affecting so many people, especially young girls, these days. It makes me sad that our world has come to this - where we strive to be thin, thin, thin. Every ad I see these days tells us how to "lose those last 10lbs" or how this product is "fewer calories". It's ridiculous! Society has created this "model" person that, apparently, everyone should fit into. Turn on your tv and you see shows like the Biggest Loser and America's Next Top Model that say to me: you want to be glamourous, happy, successful then lose weight! You flip through any popular magazine and it's the same. People are led to think that everyone should look this way. There are 20 supermodels out of about 7 billion people on this planet. How can such an infinitesimal group of people be what we strive for? The world has so much more to offer. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
Everyone is at times insecure about how they look (including yours truly). But, no one should feel so terrible about themselves that they feel the need to stop eating, over exercise, calorie count, shut themselves down... it's no way to live. It would consume you in every way imaginable. How cruel it must be to be constantly thinking of food, but not being able to enjoy it.

I see it every day where girls comment on how skinny and beautiful some girl is (like in the picture). How can they think that? How can one's mind get so twisted? None of it's worth it. In the end what will you have? You think you've gained the ultimate control, but you're in a downward spiral. You think by being skinny you're more beautiful, but all your natural beauty is really washed away. You think you'll be more popular or loved, but you've pushed everyone important away. You're not even you anymore. The disorder will destroy everything you've worked for and will take away the life you do deserve - a full, long, and happy one.

Fuck the media. Fuck the media who promotes such vile. Sure, you'll sell some product but at what cost? It's literally taking someone's life away. This killing need to look perfect is dysfunctional and unavailing. It's sick. It makes me feel rotten down to the core simply thinking about it.

Some people see this disorder as something that can have a quick fix. But, that couldn't be further from the truth. And then there's the "everyone's-a-therapist" thing. People think they know better than professionals who have gone to school for sooo many years and actually know what they're talking about. Good intensions can sometimes be harmful, especially with mental health. Small comments can feed into an anorexic's way of thinking. The mind is a fickle thing.

This obsessive need to be thin affects so many people, not only those suffering directly from it. Families are torn apart, relationships poisoned, and friendships lost. Why can't we just be happy with the body we have? Why can't we look into the mirror each day and see a beautiful person staring back, regardless of weight? Why can't we imagine, for a moment, a life without having to worry about counting calories or working out all the time?

I'm learning to love myself and I want others to do the same. Everyday I get stronger, happier, more full of life. And, it's all without dieting, obsessive behaviour over food and exercise, or starving myself. I want to teach others about obtaining a positive self-image - specially young people who are particularly impressionable. I've learned that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else. Nobody looks after you better than you do. Also, life is too short to worry about "fitting the mould". Why would you want to be a part of something that makes you want to change who you are? Shouldn't it be enough to just be... you?

The answer is yes. You are gorgeous. We all posses the potential to be beautiful. The only way to achieve it is to not try to. So, go out and live your life.