Finally...

Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

You'll mope around for a while, feeling sorry for your self. But, eventually you'll go back to being the same concocting, manipulative, lying son-of-a-bitch. I feel sorry for any woman who has to bear your company. I'm just glad I'm not that girl anymore.

No Other Way

In the future, I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at how ridiculous I am. Why do I put myself through this? It's not worth the mental drain. Because, physically I have moved on and to anyone it would seem that I'm a typical 20 something dating around and having fun. But, reality lies within my thoughts. It's hard to deceive one's mind.

I will lie to myself if it means getting over you. Not something I wanted to do, but I don't see any other way.

At the Stroke of 12 I Wept

What do you do when someone you deeply care about is killing themselves slowly? They make mistake after mistake, but you can't do a thing. You can't say anything either. Day by day you see them literally waste away.

It's so hard... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I can't be there for you, at least not in the way you want me to. I feel like you're doing a lot for attention. It's like you NEED the disorder because you know that people will constantly be telling you that they love you, that they think you're gorgeous, blah, blah, blah - all in attempt to boost your non-existant self esteem. Everything revolves around you. I was astonished when you asked your parents to send you to the states. That's so selfish. You're taking away from their retirement, you're taking away from your sister's schooling, take, take, take. And then you lay the ol' "fine, you must not care about me that much and if I'm really ruining everyone's life then I might as well give up!" really? like, really? is it necessary to be so god damn dramatic? You always have liked to live the glamorous life. I can't deal with that most days. I'm the total opposite in a lot of ways. I don't let comments get to me. If someone tells me they think I should lose some weight, I tell them to fuck themselves. Why would I ever care about what they think of me?

But, it's not entirely you. There's the chemical imbalance and the genetics. You're very strange - obsessive compulsive about everything, anxious all the time, measuring/counting, paranoid of nothing, very self absorbed (you don't talk or interact), and most of the time you don't seem to know exactly what's going on with your life or the world in general. I don't mean this in a malign way - that's just the way you're acting. And, I know it's not the real you.

I'm sad for you. You're going to die - and it's looking sooner rather than later.

You Lost Me

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won. Now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And oh, we tried, you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
You'll regret it but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

Word Vomit

Once you know someone you can never really un-know them. You can have years go by and move to different cities, but it doesn't lessen you feelings. Because, through it all, they are the one person who you think about in your best moments - and in your worst. And, after all this time, you still can't forget.

You know, you think you're over someone and then one night you find yourself bawling your eyes out over them. You can fake to the world with a smile, but you can't run from yourself. I'm sorry if all of this overwhelms you, but you can imagine that for me it's a thousand times worse if I don't let it all out. I'm trying... I'm really trying hard to move on. Only time can tell how long this feeling lasts.

The Sun Won't Shine

I'm not myself. I'm being very sarcastic of late, I'm not as engaging, and I fake every smile. How pathetic...

The sun won't shine

And you can't be mine.

So, tomorrow I'll hope

That you'll pick up the phone

And tell me I don't have to be alone.

Please tighten this rope

Around my neck because I can't bare

The thought of you not there.

Goodbye, my friend - sweet love of mine.

I'll drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine.

Is There Anyone There?

It's like I'm talking to a ghost. In fact, I don't even know if you're alive. What if something happened. What if we never spoke again? How would I even know... It's frightening. In fact, it scares the hell out of me. It's been 2 months, but it feels like an eternity. Will I ever get my best friend back?

If you can hear my thoughts then you'll know that I would die to hear from you - anything. I just want to know that you're ok, that you're adjusting well, and that you're going to be alright. Until then, I don't think I can be alright.

The Beginning

I'm starting to understand the reasons why. There's no excuse, but sometimes things just happen. One thing starts and before we know it we've wrapped ourselves up in it and it's out of control; you're out of control. The more time passes, the harder it gets. At first it may have been to fill the void or you're doing it out of spite. Then, we get attached to something.

Why do we always end up doing it to those we profess to love? Maybe we think that they'll forgive us. We take them for granted or get "comfortable". We lie to others and in turn, we lie to ourselves. We think as long as we can get away with these lies then there's no problem. Why rock the boat? Maybe there was something missing in our lives and we think we are gaining something through someone else. In the end, there's a hollow shell and you're left with less than you had before. Yes, it's true - everything eventually does catch up with you. And, when it does you might try to run or hide - but it only makes things worse. And, then you think to yourself that you really fucked it up this time. The answer is yeah, you fucked it up BIG time.

But, with time comes realization. Realization brings acceptance. And, with acceptance there can be a need for change. I believe that before you can fix anything there must be change. And, for once, you have to be selfish and change for you and only you. So, have the courage to start acting like the responsible, amazing, selfless, good person everyone knows you to be - then I guarantee you that you'll begin to see that in yourself too. It's never too late to start from the beginning.