I have a spending problem. I don't budget my money and I'm living pay check to pay check. I know I can't afford things, but I get them anyway. I find excuses: It'll cheer me up; I NEEDED it; I've worked hard and deserve a treat; things will work itself out. The list goes on, but in the end who a I kidding? I can never ask for money from my parents because I'm trying to be independent. I know now that if I want nice things, I have to wait. Right now I'm starting my life. Good things don't just come without hard work and savings. I'm learning, but it's hard.
I'm so arrogant. I've been that way my entire life. I've always been the over achiever: top student in my class, only one to go to UBC on a full scholarship, got into the prestigious science one program. I think I know better than everyone, but I'm actually very naive. There's so much about people and about life that I don't know about. Every day I learn something new.
I saw it coming, and I ignored it. What girl is naive enough to think that a guy living with his "ex"girlfriend is only friends with her and that he just thought it "made more sense" that they don't find another place apart since he's leaving soon anyways? And if they were only friends, why did he never mention her? Why is it that he is always "working" some place else when I ask if he wants to hangout sometimes? Like valentines day. He so conveniently had to work at the hospital all night. And when I try to give him a gift he tells me to keep it at my place. He is all talk and no action. We spoke of doing so many things, but never got around to them. He once told me he bought some flowers, but then came back to find my door locked so he took them home (and probably gave them to her). Why wouldn't you just leave them at the doorstep if you went through so much trouble? I think he tried to tell me once. It was right before he left. He sent me a message saying "what are we doing?" At the time I thought nothing of it, but maybe he was trying to say something and I was too in denial to hear it. Then she sent me that email. It was there , plain as day, that what I feared most was real. She told me they were still together, that he told her he loved her, that he asked her to come away with him, that he asked her to marry him, that I had ruined their relationship. I didn't want to hear it. Then everyone at work started slipping me clues. They knew what was going on and they tried to protect me. I thought they were wrong. My mother and my sister both told me that he was no good. They said that he was only using me and that I would get hurt. I thought they didn't know anything. EVERYTHING was screaming that I was making the wrong choice. That's the most I've ever lied to myself. Because, they were right. I've known it all along.
So, here I am. Me. I'm a girl who's trying to figure out life. I've taken a few wrong turns, but I get back on track with a little humility. I've learned that lying (or denying the truth) is a path to nowhere but sadness and pain. I hope you find your way.
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