New Year, New Post

Oh, hey there. It's been awhile, hasn't it?
Looking back at everything I've gone through a year later, I can say that I'm glad I stuck through it. I learned a lot about myself and about others. I no longer let myself be taken advantage of and I no longer delude myself in terms of my relationships and myself. Yes, I was acting desperate and I'm not proud of it. But, can you blame someone so young and naive?
Well, it's on to bigger and better things! This chapter ends with the summer, and a new one begins in Switzerland. I can't say how excited I am to meet new people, learn in a different way, see another world, and find a part of myself I didn't know existed.

Here's to living life.

Polyamory

Def: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved [wiki]. Some see it as the ultimate fantasy. For others, it's damnation. The way I see it, it's a part of life and of human nature.

Growing up in a predominately Christian society, the only way I saw how relationships work was: be abstinent. get married. be with one person forever. Like many (but, not all to be fair) Christian beliefs, this really limits a person's experiences, imagination, and freedom to grow. And, it's because of these narrow minded beliefs that I became sexually frustrated as a teen. After being out on my own, I saw that it didn't have to be that way.

Even in this day and age, where everything is out in the open, polyamory is a concept that some find difficult to accept. Especially in a western culture, there are still those monogamous influences that prevent many from fully accepting it. But, it is very possible. Think for a moment what it would be like to be in a polyamorous relationship. To be truly open with each person. No secrets, no lies. That is the basis for polyamory.

To me, it's evident that lots of people seek polyamory. How many times have you experienced or heard of someone being cheated on? It's often the basis for many divorces too. With polyamory, you have the option of discussing the possibility of another relationship. It's not cheating because you've both communicated and agreed upon it.

So, why don't people do this? Is it because our society still clings on to the traditional monogamous view? Do people get a thrill out of lying and sneaking around? Personally, I think a bit of both. Also, polyamory isn't for everyone. There may come a point where you're content with only one person and that's perfectly alright. Some people can't handle the jealousy and possessiveness. For multiple partners, each person can bring to the relationship a different aspect. If you feel something is missing in one relationship, then a different person can fulfill that void.

Can it really work? From experience, yes it can. But, you have to be true to the values of polyamory:

fidelity and loyalty

trust, honesty, dignity, and respect

mutual support

communication and negotiation

non-possessiveness.

Life Is A Fashion Show

I want you to want me. That's what everyone thinks in this city. We dress up and put on a show. Girls are expected to wear the skimpiest outfits, shoot a makeup gun at their face, and bleach the shit out of their hair. Where did female sexuality go? Where did the days go when we all didn't look like these generic, plastic dolls? The sad part is that most of us buy into it. Girls think they're sexy looking like cheap hookers and guys come to expect it as normal. Our mentality and ideals are twisted and conformed until what's left is something unnatural.

I took a stroll downtown today and it's all I could see - life is one big fashion show. It's not an uncommon thing to see a BMW with a new driver sign slapped on the back or a 16yr old wearing Armani. And, the adults aren't that better. Just take a look at housing prices in Vancouver. No one can really afford it, so we see people take out 50yr mortgages now. People are also trying to fool themselves into thinking their jobs are more significant than they really are. Take serving - some people think they're in the "industry", but go anywhere else and it's considered one of the lowliest jobs.

It's all a great deception. Whether it's because we're hiding from ourselves or because the media made us this way, I'm not sure. It makes me sad that we are the ones building these impossible standards for ourselves. Is there a way to fix this or is the next generation just as damned?

Finally...

Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

You'll mope around for a while, feeling sorry for your self. But, eventually you'll go back to being the same concocting, manipulative, lying son-of-a-bitch. I feel sorry for any woman who has to bear your company. I'm just glad I'm not that girl anymore.

No Other Way

In the future, I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at how ridiculous I am. Why do I put myself through this? It's not worth the mental drain. Because, physically I have moved on and to anyone it would seem that I'm a typical 20 something dating around and having fun. But, reality lies within my thoughts. It's hard to deceive one's mind.

I will lie to myself if it means getting over you. Not something I wanted to do, but I don't see any other way.

At the Stroke of 12 I Wept

What do you do when someone you deeply care about is killing themselves slowly? They make mistake after mistake, but you can't do a thing. You can't say anything either. Day by day you see them literally waste away.

It's so hard... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I can't be there for you, at least not in the way you want me to. I feel like you're doing a lot for attention. It's like you NEED the disorder because you know that people will constantly be telling you that they love you, that they think you're gorgeous, blah, blah, blah - all in attempt to boost your non-existant self esteem. Everything revolves around you. I was astonished when you asked your parents to send you to the states. That's so selfish. You're taking away from their retirement, you're taking away from your sister's schooling, take, take, take. And then you lay the ol' "fine, you must not care about me that much and if I'm really ruining everyone's life then I might as well give up!" really? like, really? is it necessary to be so god damn dramatic? You always have liked to live the glamorous life. I can't deal with that most days. I'm the total opposite in a lot of ways. I don't let comments get to me. If someone tells me they think I should lose some weight, I tell them to fuck themselves. Why would I ever care about what they think of me?

But, it's not entirely you. There's the chemical imbalance and the genetics. You're very strange - obsessive compulsive about everything, anxious all the time, measuring/counting, paranoid of nothing, very self absorbed (you don't talk or interact), and most of the time you don't seem to know exactly what's going on with your life or the world in general. I don't mean this in a malign way - that's just the way you're acting. And, I know it's not the real you.

I'm sad for you. You're going to die - and it's looking sooner rather than later.

You Lost Me

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won. Now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And oh, we tried, you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
You'll regret it but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me